My daughter is 2 & 1/2. She still sleeps in my bed, nurses and I’ve never spanked her. Am I loca or would you agree that natural parenting builds an intimate bond between parents and child?
My husband wasn’t so sure at first. He liked my ideas, but was slightly embarrassed by all the criticism that came when people started asking about our preferences. Neither of our families were very supportive. Some thought nursing was “perverse”, other said…”Well, only if you go past (enter number of months) than it’s just sick to have a kid who can walk and talk, lifting up your shirt. If they can ask for it, they’re too old!” Really? Because my daughter could ask for her “mama milk” before she was even 3 months old. Infant sign language was another choice that my family didn’t understand, but once they saw that signing lessened frustration between parents and children who could effectively communicate, they were sold. In defense of my choice to nurse into toddlerhood, I could cite all the research out there about the emotional benefits and I could tell you that the U.S. Surgeon General recommends nursing until a minimum of 2 years, but that wouldn’t necessarily sway parents. Instead, I’ll share my personal thoughts and you can be the judge.
I think that every parent should do what they believe is best for themselves and their children. I don’t put expectations on other moms because I know that there is nothing more personal than the choices we make in raising our children and every parent should have the right to create their own unique style. Instead, I’d rather support moms who show diversity in their parenting styles as I would support diversity in any other realm. As moms, we can embrace our spiritual beliefs, cultural heritage and moral values as part of that style. Raising children isn’t a one-road path, it’s a journey of discovery and we are the map makers. I believe in exploring alternative methods, lots of research and going with your gut.
When it comes right down to it, we made our choice because we felt a strong connection to what we call “la alma indígena“. There is an undeniable link between humans and mother earth, between la alma and Díos, between parent and child. For me, I felt that the attachment parenting style was an important way for us to embrace this spiritual connection. Like so many diverse ideas, this often means going against the grain and embracing choices that could make you an outsider in your family or community. In our case, we felt that the benefits far outweighed the disapproval we faced. We have never regretted our choice.
When we brought our daughter home from the hospital I put her in her bassinet and agreed that I would give it a try (even though it felt strange and unnatural). It didn’t last long, before morning she was in my arms and my heart felt whole again. Now, almost three years later, my husband adores waking up next to her and snuggling with her at night. We play games with her before bedtime…sitting on “mama’s bed” and playing “I Spy” and reading stories is the highlight of our day. We choose co-sleeping because it works for us. For some parents, who are heavy sleepers or feel uncomfortable about it, this may not be the best choice. Like all things in life we must trust our alma in order to make choices about what is best for our family.
In regards to spanking, we’ve never seen it as a necessary part of parenting. Gentle time-outs and parent-to-child conversations have worked for us and I’ve found that no matter what type of discipline you choose, consistency is what makes it work, not necessarily the method. I believe in compassionate parenting and I would like to nourish my daughter’s spirit, rather than break it. I love that my daughter is “spirited” and would never want to destroy that. I have to steal a concept from one of my favorite books, Victor Villaseñor’s “Burro Genius“. In the book, he makes a point about how cowboys aim to “break” a horse’s spirit and domesticate it, rather than “amanzar” a horse as Mexican vaqueros would…nurturing it’s spirit and slowly forming a relationship of mutual reliance. This metaphor for the oppression of Mexican Americans by society can be viewed many ways. The concept of amanzando la alma demonstrates the beauty of el espíritu del indio, wherein lies the belief that all creatures on God’s earth should be honored and respected. This same respect should be attributed to our fellow man and ultimately, our children. They are our future and will be the mothers and fathers of the next generation. If we don’t teach them to love, who will? As I see it, my responsibility as a parent goes much farther than exemplary manners or perfect grades in school. Instead, I strive to nourish a creative and loving spirit.
Helpful Spanish Translations
Alma – soul/spirit
Amanzar (also amansar) – to tame/calm
Díos – God
Espíritu – spirit/soul
Indígena – indigenous/native person
Indio – native (from the Americas) or indigenous person (can also refer to an individual from India)
Loca – crazy (feminine)
© 2011, Chantilly Patiño. All rights reserved.
Love the Victor Villaseñor reference.
Thanks amiga! ;)
Always nice to meet another mom like me. We’ve been lucky that both our families have been support of the BF, but as my baby gets older (he’s 2y 2m), I see the support wearing thinner and thinner. Ni modo, we’re sticking to what works for us!
Thanks Dany! So glad to find you too! My daughter is about as old as your son. She’s 2 years 9 months, still nursing! ;) Good for you!
Kudos to you for recognizing your own strength and wisdom already with your first-born. I so often wish I’d had more confidence in my own judgement when my daughter, age 19 now, was little. I did a lot of things right but I sometimes wonder whether she would be a generally happier, more relaxed, and productive person today if I’d done more of the right stuff and less of what I was told I was supposed to do. I think she would have had an easier row to hoe. My son, born when I was 40 years old, has in many ways a different and better mom. Over the years I’ve learned Mommy has a magic and you have to listen to it. I will tell you, I have heard people from my husband’s side of the family say, while I was taking time explaining things to a 2-year-old, making time to give him options and let him choose whatever he can for himself even when he was 1, and just taking a general attitude of not sweating the small stuff while he bounces around, that my son will be a ”chiflado” or even ”mamon”… but I can also tell you, nobody says that anymore after they actually get to know him (and not behind my back either because you know the chisme would get back to me). And on my side of the family, people were shocked that I never sterilized anything, but I knew he was a strong baby with a healthy immune system, and he is. I have figured out it’s more important to grab those extra moments of snuggle time rather than making organic home-blended baby food, or worrying about ”kindergarten readiness”. My boy is sweet and good, and I felt very affirmed in my “soft” approach, during our trip earlier this month to Mexico visiting his grandparents. He instantly learned to say “la quiero Abuela”, “lo quiero Abuelito”, “buenos dias Tia”, “gracias Tio” etc. etc. I honestly think everyone enjoyed having him around. Meanwhile his cousin about the same age (traditional approach of spare the rod spoil the child / “no hagas preguntas” “no contestes”) arrived for a visit as well, he refused to “saludar”, didn’t like sharing toys, the family cat’s afraid of him, and he’s fragile — a little setback like a delayed dinner freaks him out – basically, what most people consider normal for a small child. We visited lots of family who have not seen my son since he was an infant, and everyone commented how loving he is with his cousins and the many animals around, and with all the changes & craziness of a big family visit in a very different place how he can just go with the flow, for such a little boy. He’s sturdy. Everyone also commented how he talks about things– his natural curiosity with very gentle encouragement has given him surprising pre-reading, math and science skills for his age– and he NOTICES things. Keep strong and keep the faith, Chantilly. You’re doing good.
Thanks so much for the comment Beth. I totally get what you’re saying and I often consider myself lucky to have been strong enough to take a stand against my family in how I should parent. My husband’s family and mine all tried to impose their parenting ideals, but ultimately, my husband and I had childhoods that we didn’t want to see repeated for our daughter and so, for us, there was no other choice but to find a different way of parenting. I think we’ve made the best choice and I applaud you for doing what feels right for your family! It’s an absolutely wonderful feeling when people start to acknowledge your choices with positive feedback and I’m so glad that your family in Mexico has been able to see the great results that you’ve produced for your son…by nurturing his spirit with gentle discipline. :)