Well-Meaning White People
I’m not apposed to white people. Really, I’m not. *sarcasm*
Some may think I’m out to get whites or that I’m a self-hater because I call white people out time and again…because I married a Latino…because I speak Spanish…because I prefer non-white friends or those in interracial relationships who get me, but I don’t have a problem with whites.
Actually, some of my best friends are white people (Yeah, see how awful that sounds in the reverse? Why do we use lines like these?). But there is a serious problem going on in the white community and I don’t want any part of it.
I was at the grocery store shopping the other day and the little old white lady ringing me up sounded friendly enough. “Your daughter is so cute,” she tells me. Then as my husband walks off to put our cart away, she gives me the eye and adds, “You’re not going to Mexico with him are you? You have to be careful you know? It’s too dangerous for that little girl. Don’t let him talk you into going.”
I stood there stunned for a minute wondering what she could possibly be talking about. Why did she think we were going to Mexico? The only obvious reason is my husband’s appearance as a Latino (read “Mexican”) man. So let me get this straight, because I’m with a Latino, he must be 1) Mexican, 2) Involved in some sort of drug-running, 3) Devoid of morals, since he’s willing to force us to apparently leave to the deadly nation of Mexico with him…oh and 4) Apparently I’m a brainwashed idiota who will follow him anywhere. Did I miss anything??
I appreciate that this woman had concern for me and my daughter, but it was completely misplaced. First off, I never mentioned anything about Mexico and my husband is a 5th generation Latino who probably has deeper roots in this country than esta mujer! So really, he’s not likely to even visit Mexico, let alone live there! Also, being “Mexican” or more correctly, Mexican American, isn’t an automatic marker for dangerous lifestyle. Was she worried because he’s brown? Or is it because I’m a pobrecita white girl desperately in need of saving?? Either way, I don’t want any part of it and I definitely don’t want to have to explain it to people and still be met with blank stares of disbelief.
This is just one example of well meaning white people getting it all wrong and I think the biggest reason why it keeps happening is because too many of us go unchecked. Who do we answer to really? We’re segregated from non-white communities and we keep breeding these unchecked misconceptions between each other. Misconceptions about all brown-skinned people being from Mexico, about Mexico being oh so dangerous, about white women and brown men.
On top of that, we have a kind of superiority in our community that affords whites the distorted perception that our opinions or observations are somehow more “right” than those of non-whites. There is a kind of dollar value on whiteness, a credibility…and my being with a Latino is like taking out a loan on my whiteness. My credit is in question…my opinion is “biased”…it’s possible that I’m just a little “brainwashed” or “confused”.
Hmmm…these assumptions seem just a little too convenient don’t they? And whites are left wagging their fingers in the faces of people of color as if their job is to “correct” their ideas and behaviors. It’s one convenience that we often take part in, much to the dismay of anyone in the room who isn’t white and I really think it does us such a huge disservice, because without being corrected, many of us are left to believe that our assumptions are accurate, even if they’re not.
A very dangerous position for a group that holds such enormous power over this country.
Image credit: Flickr/Old Shoe Woman
© 2012, Chantilly Patiño. All rights reserved.
Wow, can’t believe the lady said all that to you. You bring up some very valid points here. As always, your writing is superb!
@Maria Adcock I was pretty shocked myself and completely confused at first. I just explained to her that we weren’t going to Mexico and that my husband wasn’t from Mexico, he’s from Texas. She looked so confused and I felt kind of exasperated because no matter what I said, she just couldn’t wrap her mind around it…and then I think…what must it be like for my husband to go through this (explaining himself) ALL THE TIME.
Isn’t it amazing the ignorance disguised as “well meaning”? Perhaps, she beleived Texas was another part of the world. We are one of a kind after all :). In all seriousness, this bothers me in a way that shows how peole equate Latino with Immigrant or Illegal. I mean some of us were here before the Spainards even showed up.
@CORPUSBOOKWORM That’s exactly why I was worried. Because my husband is Latino, she automatically put him in that box as an “illegal”. Yeah, I tried to do my best to explain to her that my husband is from Texas and that his family has been here more generations than mine, but she couldn’t wrap her mind around it. It’s upsetting that people are so used to seeing only one image of Latinos in the media, that they seriously cannot get past it.
I hear what you are saying but there may be something you aren’t taking into consideration. There are a lot of murders going on in Mexico right now. No, she shouldn’t have said what she said but she may have been referring to the decapitated bodies left strewn all over Mexico from drug lords trying to maintain their control over these areas by fear and intimidation. I don’t think she meant any harm although, I agree with you. She should have not assumed your husband is from Mexico. Before anyone on this board says anything, I’m white and my ex-husband is from Mexico. I’ve had my fair share of glares from elderly white people…you could just tell they were disgusted that I married, let alone reproduced, this man. Anyway, it’s just a thought.
@DarylCamacho Point taken. I don’t know if this lady was trying to help or just be obnoxious, but for me, I took it as obnoxious and insulting because she waited until my husband was gone to comment behind his back and tell me that I “shouldn’t go anywhere with him”. I don’t like what she was implying or the fact that she purposely left my husband out of the conversation and then talked about him putting us in danger when she didn’t know one single thing about him. To me, she was stereotyping my husband and putting him alongside everything bad she knew about Mexico. I didn’t solicit her opinion and she assumed my husband was Mexican without even knowing him. Very insulting. I did “well meaning” to the post, because I think the same as you, that she thought she was helping. Wish people would understand though that many Latinos like my husband don’t even have ties to Mexico though. Not everyone has family there. In fact, I am the one that has family in Mexico…lol…funny enough. I have cousins who are missionaries in Culiacán. ;)
Also, she didn’t say he was an illegal. She just asked if you were going to Mexico with him. When I was married, my husband and I did go into Mexico on more than one occasion. This was before the chaos that is sadly happening in some parts of Mexico right now. There have also been kidnappings as I’m sure you are aware. I’m sure, you being in Texas, you’ve heard of these cases. My oldest daughter lives in Texas with her husband and 5 year old son…I wouldn’t want her going to Mexico with all the things happening over there. There are also parts of Texas I don’t want her going to either, for obvious reasons. I don’t think she was alluding that your husband is a drug runner or was going to harm you and your child. Did she assume too much? Absolutely. Was she trying to insult you and your family? I really don’t think so.
@DarylCamacho Thanks for adding your thoughts Daryl. We actually don’t live in Texas, so that makes it even stranger. We live up north in the Midwest. I have no idea what made her say what she did, but I was speechless for a minute because it totally caught me off-guard. Definitely agree…the Texas border is rough, my husband grew up in Laredo, so I hear you. ;)
@biculturalmom I think the older generation don’t know how to put things sometimes. They are from a totally different era so when it comes to issues like this? They just talk like they would have talked “back then”. I was married to my husband for 23 years so, I hear you….I know what it’s like. Their lack of tact sometimes gets to me. I’ve faced racism from those little old ladies. Standing in the line at the grocery store…they openly stared and showed their disgust by the looks they were throwing my way. I would just smile sweetly, walk over to my husband and say loud enough for them to hear, “Honey, I love you…then I’d kiss him, turn and wink and say “You ladies are don’t know what you’re missing….you know what they say about that hot Latino blood? It’s allll true”. It shut them up and made them stop looking each and every time. My husband and I would get out into the parking lot and laugh our behinds off!
@DarylCamacho Exactly right, the older generations (and some young folks too) are less experienced in talking about race and definitely take more advantage of their privilege. I’m glad for all the individuals that are branching out of their comfort zones to learn how to talk about race and respect others’ perspectives. I hope the trend continues. :)
@biculturalmom For our children’s sake and the sake of their children? I do too.