Moving Beyond Self-Doubt
So, I wrote here a couple of weeks ago about how I have some new resolutions for this year. Mostly, I want to start back up in college, but I also want to bring order back to my life in a big way too. Last year I took the leap and started offering professional designs services for the first time. I have to admit, it was something that I was afraid to do. Not so much because I didn’t think I could do it, but more because I thought that I couldn’t possibly be worthy of charging for my services. A likely side affect of the inferiority complex I sometimes backslide into as a result of growing up in an impoverished family. It’s also part of the reason that I felt “safer” putting off college with only a few credits left, rather than finishing. I don’t know how to explain it exactly, because I don’t “fear” success, but I do look at success as being one of those things that only certain people deserve to attain. And that’s not me talking…society sets us up to believe this.
Maybe I have self-sabotaged at certain points in my life…well I know I have…but not because I wanted to . Have you ever done that…gotten so close to success that it made you feel uncomfortable, worried and waiting for the house of cards to fall? That’s how I feel when I get close to something good. It’s how I felt when I contemplated college while in high school, it’s how I felt when I met my husband, it’s how I felt when I was almost at the end of my degree in college, it’s how I felt when I started this blog, and how I felt when I started my own business. All of those things were scary, sometimes they’re still scary, but I’ve learned something from each of them. I’ve learned that by the time you reach the end of your goal, the one that you’re fearful of failing at, you see how truly small that step was. Not that it wasn’t a powerful step in it’s own right, but it shows us that our fears were more irrational than rational…more mind than matter.
This year, I don’t want to let my mind get the best of me. I don’t want to make mountains out of molehills, as my father would say. Instead, I want to build a strong foundation and support network to create my own personal change. The last few months I’ve been thinking a lot about what that means. How can I create a solid foundation? What tools are needed to prepare? How can we escape this self-doubt, this overwhelming feeling of inferiority?
I’ve talked countless hours over the phone this year with a number of friends and other bloggers who have the same fears. We all remember the messaging from our childhood. We remember people telling us “You’re not the college type” or asking “How are you going to pay for college when your parents don’t have money?”
I remember the stares when my mother counted up our food in line and pulled out her book of food-stamps. I know what it feels like to be marked as a lesser than…one of those lazy people. One of those people who can’t do for themselves, who have no choice but to take from others. And I believed it too. For the longest time I believed that I couldn’t make my own dollar, that the people who gave me a job were doing me a favor by hiring me.
It wasn’t until I started my internship at Social Security working alongside middle class folks (for the first time) that I realized I had something to offer. Our district manager used to pull me into her office to tell me how hard of a worker I was and how efficiently I handled everything in her office. She made me see that I was doing as much and sometimes more than the B.A. graduates and middle class earners. I could do the same work they could, and that surprised me. In college it was more of the same, I was an A and B student, while many others from more privileged families couldn’t (or chose not to) keep up with the work. I was making it. I was doing the same work as them and excelling. I was the college type. I really was. That was a revelation for me.
I still have a lot of self-doubt and I still hesitate and over-plan every step in my life for fear of failure, but I try not to let those feelings overtake me. The fact that I have been blogging for two years and doing my design work for over a year shows me that I’ve taken leaps, however small.
This year I want to take bigger leaps though, I want to resolve to move beyond self-doubt, and I ask for your inspiration. How do you defy the naysayers? How do you overcome fear and jump with both feet into the deep end? I would love to hear what inspires and motivates you to dive into the unknown.
© 2013, Chantilly Patiño. All rights reserved.
You’ve come a long way and I have no doubt you will continue to achieve your goals. I have the same self doubt with my blog sometimes, the “how can I charge for this”? Yet I know many bloggers do, so it’s possible!
Thanks Maria. I hate the feeling of self-doubt…it holds me back way too much. This year, I want to let that go…completely. If I accomplish anything this year, I hope that’s it.
Wishing you all the best and a prosperous 2013! Own it! ;)
This post really resonated with me. Although I didn’t have food stamps, I grew up in a trailer park with powdered milk. Didn’t think I was the college type either, but after a certain point I had to give it a shot anyway!
I’m glad I got my degree, now I have no idea what to do with it!
Congrats on everything! You can do it!
Hey Victoria. Thanks for stopping by! Exactly! We lived in a trailer park for much of my childhood too…and with powered milk too. Lot’s more to tell on that experience someday, but I’m glad you found me here and that you can relate.
I was so, so scared to go to college, and trust me, hubby (then my BF) held my hand all the way through. :) He helped me to believe in myself and see that college is for me.
Congrats on getting your degree! What field are you in?
I haven’t met anyone else (besides my siblings) who have had powered milk! Most people look at me weird as if it didn’t exist, if formula exists powdered milk would too!
Thank you! My degree is Information Design – Communications. Currently I am working for my husband as his Administrative Assistant.
Haha!! That is too funny! Yeah, my hubby had never heard of it either, but he remembers the gov cheese and butter we used to have to stand in line for. His family went through that at one point too. Mostly people have never seen it, but it is funny when you tell people about it. I never had anything but powdered milk until I was a teen and at that point I became dairy obsessed…lol. There’s nothing like the real thing! ;)
Admin Assistant for your hubby? That sounds fun and challenging! I work from home and hubby gets to help sometimes and I love it…except when we have the typical miscommunications. We’re never as gracious with family as we are with strangers, ya know? ;)
Oh yea, I’m definitely a lot..more vocal with the husband than I would be with any other boss. Definitely have to be a little more gracious. He also needs to know that as amazing as I am I can not read minds haha
LOL….right! I can totally relate! ;)
I so relate with a lot of what you wrote. I think we started blogging around the same time and I must say that you are AWESOME Chantilly! I’ve always been so impressed on how motivated and talented you are with everything you touch! I feel so honored that you helped me with my blog design because you’ve taken it to that “next level.” Just wanted you to know that I think we all go through those feelings..well maybe not all of us, but a lot of us (myself included!) There are so many things I stopped 1/2 way through when if I would have just pushed myself forward, it would be a done deal now. I have noticed however with age I’ve gained more confidence. It’s funny because depending on the day I’m having and who I’m around affects my confidence. You can do whatever you set your mind too! My hubby tells me that all the time. He shares his experiences with me and when I think about all he’s gone through and where he is now, what I want to accomplish seems easy. I think our minds let us over think things. We believe we can and then the more we get involved in it or think about it, we start self doubting. If we could only see we are doing this when we are doing it! LOL
I remember powdered milk too!!! =)
LOL…Tara, you’re awesome. :) Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your story! Hubby has been a key motivator for me too. He gives me so, so much confidence in myself and he’s the one who pushed me to go to college when I was stuck in the frame of mind that it “wasn’t for me”. He has been a light in a dark tunnel. For every bit he annoys me, he’s given me something amazing in all his encouragement and understanding.
I totally agree with you too! The company we keep affects how much we believe we can do! Thank you for pointing this out! That is something I definitely need to keep at the forefront of my mind.
Thank you for that little bit of inspiration. :)
LOL… #powderedmilkfam ;)